Calm before the Storm

At the bridal luncheon yesterday, my mom commented on the calmness I have been feeling by saying "I just hope this isn't the calm before the storm." She was half joking, but I, of course, analyzed her comment. Mostly because I myself am wondering if this peacefulness I am feeling is going to last. And for how long? And what if? What if that storm begins? What would that even look like? And how have I gotten here to this place of calmness? Of feeling like hatas gonna hate...that we're "soooo young" or that I'm still a student or that we haven't dated enough other people...that we are not mature enough or know one another enough. But I told Nick today, I'm not nervous. Not even for a second. I'm not even anxious. And I'm anxious alot. I know this is right. I know we are right. And how do I know? Because I'm not making a list of reasons why we're right. Or this wedding is right. Typically, if I start feeling nervous or anxious, or just desiring to analyze our relationship, I begin to make my lists. Of combating the not-so-good logistics or perceived negatives with good reasons and sound facts and attributes in Nick that I couldn't possibly have found on accident. But I don't need that list. Not right now. I don't find life in getting a check beside "making eachother laugh". I find life in that being with Nick helps me get to know myself. Helps me learn sacrifice. Helps me love someone and know that I am loved. In such a way that is UN-freaking-REAL! Nick loves me to no-end. He will endure with me. He can handle me. Because he's brave and strong and tough. Not in a physical way, but emotionally. He can hang with me. And it's wonderful for my soul.

We've been talking alot about that lately. If Nick can handle me. I listen to this talk of Satan way too often.  And that talk goes something like this : If you say that, or let someone know you think that or feel that or open up in any vulnerable way, people will think you are weird. And way over emotional. Way too analyzed. Way too "spiritual". People don't get that...that spiritual thing. You will make them uncomfortable. And they will hurt you by either denying whatever you said, not respecting it or making fun of it later.

So I obey him. I hold feelings, thoughts, love, insight from other people. I hold myself back. Really, I hold the Holy Spirit back (see, even as I type that, I think, oh gosh, people are going to think I'm crazy.) I hold God back from working through me because I'm afraid of uncomfortableness. I'm afraid that people can't handle me because they don't get me. And by me, I mean God inside me. And so I've done that with Nick. Because I have decided for him that he can't handle me. It's what women do. They decide for men what they are capable of and then get mad at them for not being better. I hate to make a generalization, but I believe it's true. And I believe if you're a woman, you do it. Because I do it. And I don't think I'm an exception.

Nick and I have been on quite a journey since we've been engaged, and it's been tough and uncomfortable but I cherish it. And so now I sit days away from marrying him, and I couldn't be more excited to get to know more about Nick, myself and mostly, that I get to know and understand my creator. God. The Almighty. I get to love God. I get to share Him with Nick. And it's un-FREAKING-real!